Five Types of People Who Wreck Your Head on a Night Out

An Irish night club really is something to behold. For the most part it's all harmless craic but there are some scenes which could be accurately dubbed by some David Attenborough style narration. Besides the lovely girl who compliments your outfit and the kind man who buys you another drink after accidentally knocking over your first one, there are some absolute horrors that just can't be avoided. Here is my list of the people who absolutely rot my guts on a night out...

The Dance Floor Farters

Picture the scene. You're up having a boogie with your girlos, living your best life, when suddenly your nostrils are assaulted by the overpowering stench of a spluttery Guinness fart. You're first instinct is to flee the scene in utter disgust but you're also compelled to glance around and attempt to identify the culprit so you can put a face to this filthy animal. Maybe I sound a bit dramatic but I'm not joking when I say that some farts have the power to clear a dance floor like Moses parting the Red Sea. Seriously lads, if you feel a rumble in the jungle then do the decent thing. Go to the bathroom, go outside, cup it in your hands and throw it in your bloody handbag if you have to, just don't release that evil up in here.

The Bathroom Brigade 

As someone with a bladder the size of a pea and a stomach weaker than the male ego, I can safely say that I spend at least 80% of my time in the toilet on a night out. I know that there's nothing worse than having to wait in line for the jacks when you're on the verge of wetting yourself and/or projectile vomiting but I have zero tolerance for people knocking on cubicle doors like a battering ram. Is there anything worse than when you're in the toilet trying to puke in peace and some hun is hammering on the door telling you to hurry up. Obviously I do not support those who use nightclub bathrooms as their own personal drug dens, but show some compassion for us pukey princesses who just want to have a tactical chunder.

The Creeps

You know these people. The ones who lurk around the dance floor scoping out their prey before shimmying their way over and grinding up against you while you give your friends the wide-eyed 'help me' look. Seriously, what is the matter with these people? Where you raised in the wilderness? Have you no basic social skills? Do you think that you're going to pull by rubbing your sweaty crotch on some poor unsuspecting stranger? I will forever be bewildered by this behaviour and what's even worse about it is that they make YOU out to be the worst in the world when you tell them to go away! Why yes, you did just come over here uninvited and press your genitals on me but sure, I'm the real villain in this situation...

 

The Queue Skippers 

This goes for the bar, toilet, taxi rank, chipper and everything else in between. People who skip queues need to cop the fuck on. We're all here for the same reason and you ain't nothin' special so get in line and wait your turn like the rest of us. And don't even think about trying to brush it off like you don't realise what you're doing because I see your crafty mind at work! Oh you're friend is at the top of the line and you need to get to them? Well tough titties because I've been waiting for these garlic cheese chips for forty five minutes and nothing on this earth will keep me from them so you can take your sorry ass to the back of the line.

The Mirror Hoggers

Come on gals, we're all in the same boat here. We all just want to fix our hair, touch up our lippy and be on our merry way. I know I'm sounding totally Mean Girls here but can't we all just get along? I know you might be in a rush but that's no excuse to mooch in while someone is trying to use the mirror. We all want to be stunning so just give your fellow gals a chance to fix themselves before you bulldoze your way through, Mac lipstick in hand, and boot them bout of the way. There's no reason why you should be exiting the bathroom looking like Kim K while the rest of us are going around like Beetlejuice after trying to apply makeup using our front camera in the smoking area.

7 Hyped Up Products That You Shouldn't Waste Your Money On

I’m no MUA by any means. I’m not a master in the art of winged eyeliner, my eyebrows are always a little bit crooked and I certainly have not required the skills to deceive people of my actual lip size. I like to think of myself as a rational person who isn’t easily lead but I’ll admit that when it comes to makeup I have, on occasion, been well and truly ‘influenced’. Come on, I think we’ve all fallen victim to it at some stage. You’re scrolling through your Instagram feed, bombarded by those five second videos of beauty bloggers applying their makeup and you think to yourself ‘damn, if I owned that shiny gold liquid that comes out of a dropper, maybe I could look like that…’ Although this kind of content isn’t all bad, and can be quite helpful sometimes, I have definitely been swindled into buying products that did not live up to their internet hype. When it comes to makeup, I like to save money in whatever ways I can so I’m going to give you my honest opinion on the products I’ve used that, in my opinion, just weren’t worth it.

 

Huda Beauty Rose Gold Eyeshadow Palette

 

 

This might cause quite a divided opinion as I know that it’s loved by many, but this palette has to be top of my list of products that didn’t live up to my expectations. When this palette was first released, it caused a storm in the online beauty world and was raved about by bloggers worldwide. It’s creator, Huda Kattan, is a makeup artist and beauty blogger who already had a huge online following before the release so there was a lot of anticipation about this product. Visually, the palette is stunning. The colour selection is lovely and I’ve seen many tutorials of beautiful looks that have been created using the shadows. I actually ordered this palette as a gift for my sister (disguising it as a birthday present but obvs just thinking about how I could also use it) and when I opened it I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed. This product was not cheap so I was expecting a little bit more when it came to the quality of the packaging. The original Rose Gold palette doesn’t seem to be available anymore since they released the new remastered version, but I think I paid around €65 for the original. The palette comes with a removal cardboard sleeve and inside the shadows are covered by a thin plastic sheet. I know some people might not be bothered by this, but I really felt like the overall quality of the product was completely overshadowed (no pun intended) by the cheap packaging. Come on Huda, we’re making you a millionaire so the least you could give us is a mirror! And it’s not just the packaging that I have my gripes with, the glitter shadows are nothing to write home about either. After struggling to apply them with several different brushes, both wet and dry, I eventually gave up and used my fingers like a caveman. I don’t completely hate this palette and it’s definitely not the worst I’ve ever used but I do think that there are plenty of cheaper alternatives on the market that could do the same job. If you have the money to spend and are looking to give it a try then go ahead, you’ve got nothing to lose. But if you’re on a budget and looking to invest in a high-end eyeshadow palette then I would consider other alternatives such as the Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance Palette.

 

SOSU Dripping Gold Luxury Tan

 

 

This is a product that’s quite new on the market and definitely one that has been getting a lot of hype in the run up to it’s release. The queen of the Irish beauty industry, Suzanne Jackson is back at it again with a new product in her ever-growing empire. Since launching her beauty brand, SOSU, she has been incredibly successful with her range of makeup palettes, false eyelashes, nail polish and perfume. So, the next obvious step for Suzy J was to delve into a product held near and dear by many of us Irish gals, fake tan. If there’s one thing a good entrepreneur knows it’s supply and demand. (Just picture a Renaissance-style painting of an angelic Marissa Carter cradling a bottle of Coco Brown while pasty hands with long acrylic nails grasp at her like demons.) There was so much excitement about this tan on social media and I was extremely interested in trying this out for myself. I opted for the medium shade and, to cut a long story short, I was fairly impressed with how it turned out after two coats. This is an instant tan but it does develop darker so is probably best used before bed and then showered off in the morning. Overall, I was happy with the colour, it gave me a nice natural tan without having those orangey undertones. Some people may prefer a darker tan but the medium was just enough for me. The product itself isn’t too sticky but it does still have the usual fake tan smell which gets worse the longer you leave it to develop. I am currently in the stages of it starting to fade and it is looking pretty crusty on my feet, hands and chest. I will not give this product a completely bad review as it is fairly good but to be honest, it’s nothing special. It is pretty much the same as most fake tanning products on the market and you could probably opt for a cheaper alternative and still get the same results. I applaud Suzanne for her efforts but at the end of the day, I don’t think this product is revolutionary by any means, soz.

 

Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray

 

 

This is a product which seems to have a huge cult following in the beauty world and I’ve heard bloggers and YouTubers waffle on about this for ages. It’s really hyped up for its amazing staying power and was even promoted by some of my favourite drag queens when it was first released. However, what swayed my decision to buy this was a review on the Debenhams website from a girl who said she wore this on a night out, got paralytic drunk and vomited everywhere and her makeup didn’t budge. Sold. I was initially hesitant to buy this as it pretty expensive (the 118ml is €31) so I opted for the 30ml bottle which was €12 and honestly, I’m glad that this is all I spent. I’m always slightly sceptical when it comes to setting sprays. A part of me believes that they are 100% necessary but I always wonder if I am essentially just spraying glorified water on my face. With this spray, I honestly saw no difference. I’ve used it before nights out, before long shifts in work and for several occasions where I was out all day and I didn’t see any amazing results. I still came home looking like my usual crusty, slightly shiny self. I know that products differ depending on skin types (I have combination skin) so this spray might work really well for others but for me, it just didn’t live up to my expectations.

 

PS My Perfect Colour Foundation

 

 

This is another product that seemed to be all over social media when it first came out. Penneys have really come a long way with their beauty range in the last few years. No matter what kind of product you’re after, Penneys more than likely have something for you and the prices just cannot be beaten. While I love a bargain, and will be an advocate for Penneys until my dying day, sometimes the cheaper option isn’t always the best. The My Perfect Colour foundation received many rave reviews, with some comparing it to the iconic Double Wear foundation by Estee Lauder. As a long time fan of Double Wear, I can safely say that the only similarities between these two foundations are the bottles. For €6, I obviously wasn’t expecting miracles but there were people going on like this product was the second coming of Christ. It’s definitely not the worst foundation that I’ve used and I suppose it’s fine if you don’t want to spend a lot but I would keep in mind that this is the kind of foundation that needs to be touched up throughout the day, especially around the t-zone. Also, the selection of shades is very limited (my local store only had four) so you may find it difficult to get one that actually matches your skin tone.

 

L'Oreal Elvive Low Shampoo

 

 

Do you ever meet someone and you get a bit of a weird vibe off them but you want to give them the benefit of the doubt so you really make an effort to get along with them but in the end, they turn out to be an asshole just like you initially suspected? Well, that is how I feel about this shampoo. As someone with brightly coloured hair, I had such high hopes for this product and really thought it would be a game changer but I was so, so wrong. The whole point of this shampoo is that it’s supposed to be sulphate free, foam free and overall better for your hair but this did not agree with me at all. I found that this gave my hair a horrible texture and made it feel extremely dull and lifeless. Again, everyone’s hair is different and this product might work really well for other people, but I personally found it very heavy and difficult to use. Sorry L’Oreal, it’s a no from me.

 

Colgate Max White Mouthwash

 

 

This is something that I’d had my eye on for quite a while and I only got around to buying it recently when I saw it on offer in Boots. I wouldn’t usually be sucked into trying teeth whitening products as it seems that every minor celebrity is peddling them on Instagram these days and most of them are probably useless. But, for some reason, I was interested in giving this a try as it was just a straightforward mouthwash and nothing crazy like having to brush your teeth with coal using a bamboo stick. I thought that this was meant to gradually whiten your teeth over time, but upon closer inspection I realised that it claims to give you a whiter smile ‘instantly’. If you read the small print it actually says ‘temporary optical effect of instant whitening’. What is this witchcraft? Unless you’re knocking back shots of this between photos then it’s really not of any use is it? Firstly, the mouthwash itself isn’t very pleasant and has a thick, syrupy consistency. Worst of all, it doesn’t even make your teeth look white but instead leaves a weird residue in your mouth that makes you look like a Warlock from Game of Thrones.

Penneys Glitter Eye Cream Palette

 

 

Ok, so this isn’t a product that has been hyped up but I just had to include it for the sheer reason of how crap it is. I don’t even know why I thought this would be anything less than terrible but I think I was blinded by the pretty colours. I think this is Penneys attempt at jumping on the bandwagon of ‘festival makeup’ and it really could have so much potential if it actually worked. Not gonna lie, I laughed out loud when I swatched this on my hand as it is literally just Vaseline with a few specks of glitter in it. In fairness, it was only €5 so I knew it wasn’t going to be amazing but come on Penneys, we expect more from you at this stage of the game! I suppose this could be a bit of fun if you had small kids who wanted to play around with makeup but I don’t think any of you gals will be using it for your EP looks anytime soon.