Six Lessons I've Learned From Having Red Hair

Apart from the dreaded question of “What are you going to do with your degree?”, my most frequently asked questions are usually regarding my hair. “Is it hard to keep?”, “How often do you dye it?”, “Does it cost a lot of money?” (Someone even once asked me if this was my natural hair colour…) As anyone who has dyed hair will know, maintaining bright colours can often be, for lack of a better phrase, a pain in the arse. As the great Dolly Parton once said “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap” In my case it costs a lot of willpower and dry shampoo to look like a Disney character at the ripe old age of 23. Here is a list of six things that I’ve learned from having bright red hair…

1. For the love of God, don't bleach your hair at home

Like many other millennials, most of my hair and makeup skills have been acquired through the glorious beacon of YouTube Beauty Gurus (You know, those beautiful people who make everything look sooo effortless and give you hope that your ratchet ass could one day be as fantastic as they are) This has resulted in many tried and tested home hairdressing jobs which usually left me wallowing in self-pity as I realised I would never turn my Mia Wallace bob into a pastel pink unicorn mane (no matter how easy the tutorial looked!)

 

 

Unlike Pinterest boards or Kylie Jenner would have you believe, it is almost impossible to dye your hair from black to blonde in one go.  It is a gradual process which involves burning bleach and various shades of sludgey orange. Bleaching your hair is serious business, especially if you have fine or damaged hair. Although it can be pricey, it’s definitely something that should be left to the professionals unless you want half of your hair to disintegrate and fall out (believe me, I’ve been there)

2. It doesn't last long

It may sound silly but that maintaining bright colours can sometimes feel like a full-time job. Having red hair can be tough as it is one of the hardest colours to manage as the dye starts to fade after just one wash. Luckily for me, I manage to get a few days out of my hair before it starts to get greasy which suits me perfectly as I am lazy af and can usually only commit to washing my hair once a week (twice if I’m feeling particularly energetic) This does help my colour to last longer but I still have to touch it up about once a week. As I have better things to be doing than washing my hair every day, like doing Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you what type of tampon you are, dry shampoo has become my lord and saviour. I rely on it so much that I should genuinely have shares in Batiste at this stage. People often compliment me on my hair and tell me it looks so vibrant and fresh, little do they know it hasn’t been washed in days and if you get too close you can get the faint smell of the Dominos garlic dough balls I had the other night. 

 

3. Your bathroom will look like a crime scene

Applying your colour at home is a process that does get easier after you’ve done it a few times but if you’re anything like me, by that I mean a complete slob, then it is inevitable that you will wreck the gaf. Red hair dye does not agree with white tiling and I have stained the grout in my shower so much that it permanently looks like the bathroom in Cabin One at the Bate’s Motel.

 

 

 

The same goes for your pillows, bed sheets, white clothes or pretty much anything that comes in contact with your newly coloured hair. If I was a superhero (or more likely a super villain) my calling card would be a little red patch on a white pillowcase.  I do not consider myself a perfectionist when it comes to anything other than consuming an entire spice bag in under ten minutes, so when it comes to dying my hair I pretty much just slather it all over my head and hope for the best. Because of this I usually have red stains all over my neck, ears, arms and any other exposed body part. This is a problem that could probably be easily solved by taking the proper precautions and covering myself with a towel or something but that would require way too much effort for my lazy ass.

 

4. The elements are your enemy

When you have red hair, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella is no longer just a mild inconvenience. It will have you running and cowering in fear like the Wicked Witch of The West when she sees Dorothy coming with the bucket. Holidays become a lot more stressful as swimming pools, water parks and any other water based activities suddenly seem like nuclear war zones.  Paddling around with your head above water is about as much fun as you’ll get unless you’d rather rock a rubber swimming cap.

So now that water is out of the question, you turn to your old (and rarely spotted) friend, Mr Sun. So maybe the swimming pool is out of the question but you can always relax by the pool and sunbathe, right? WRONG! Sun exposure is damaging to all hair types but it especially does not agree with dyed hair at all. As Ireland hasn’t seen the sun in 1000 years, this doesn’t pose a problem but when travelling to hotter climates, your luxurious red locks will be pulverised to peach fuzz.


5. Your colour palette is limited

The whole concept of matching your hair with your outfit sounds like a good idea on paper but red clothes usually do you no favours at all. This depends on what shade your hair is in comparison to the colour of the outfit, and many beautiful red heads have slayed this look on the red carpet. However, when I wear red I look less like Jessica Rabbit and more like that Snapchat filter that turns your head into a giant tomato. The same goes for pink and purple. Some daring fashionistas might be able to pull off this look but I personally just end up looking like that dog in the stripy onesie. Not only clothes but pink/purple lipsticks are also a no go area for me. I’m sure there is a way of creating some sort of complimentary red hair/pink lips look, but I have the makeup skills of a caveman so I will save myself the disappointment.

6. People love a good chat

It goes without saying that having brightly coloured hair does attract attention when you’re out in public. Although a lot of the time this comes in the form of compliments from nice old women and curious kids, you do get some obnoxious assholes who single you out like you’re in a freak show. Red hair also seems to act as a flashing neon sign that welcomes strangers to you when you’re out in the pub. Honestly, I don’t know what it is but people seem to think that when you have bright hair that you’re up for all sorts of divilment. You get people striking up conversations with you by calling out “Howiya redzer!” or the more straightforward “Looka her hayor!” as they mosey on over to you like they just spotted Ronald McDonald handing out free balloons. In these cases, a gesture of well-intended craic often ends up with them spilling their life story out to you in the corner of a beer garden at two in the morning while you sit and contemplate becoming a brunette…